I hate presents

Never thought I'd say this, but I hate presents. I hate presents because of what they have created: a shallow Christmas. A Christmas that depends only on what you get. A Christmas that is never enough. A Christmas that makes materialistic things more important that spending time together.

I would give up every single gift I was given today if my family could just get along for once. Not just getting along, but desiring time spent together. 

God showed me a lot of filth in my heart today. For as long as I can remember, I desire to get married and start a new family... a new, God fearing, Gospel-Centered family. And today, for the first time, God showed me how much of that is rooted in selfishness and brokenness. You see, there is an interesting thing about my personality... When I get frustrated, I tend to give up and move on. The broken thing about me today is that I think I have subconciously given up on my family. But you know what? It isn't just my family that is broken, it is me. 

Before I can expect my family to change, I need to hope and desperately pray that God will change ME. I get upset that Christmas isn't about spending time. I get upset that my family can't spend a freaking hour together without fighting. and you know what? I don't try to change it, because I'm the broken one. I'm the selfish one.

Lord, Change my heart. For I am SO wrong. I can't possibly do any of this on my own. 

The Ongoing Identity Crisis

As I get older and more concerned with my place in the world, I seem to often ask myself the same question: "Who Am I?". I search in the world only to try and look for what I want to look like, what job I want, how I want my family to be, how I want other people to see me... I have decided that the more I search, the more lost I become. 

This summer at Saranac, I felt like God taught me a very important lesson about my self-worth. I learned that it doesn't matter how imperfect I am because I am loved by an absolute PERFECT God. I learned that I didn't need to find my self-worth in boys, dating, all that jazz... But as I continued with my education at Meredith College as a music major, my life seemed to become so crazy that I couldn't even grasp it anymore. As much as I love Meredith College, I feel there is a push to become the very best, to stand out in the world, to always have a foot in the door. Although this is a great mindset in the professional world, it had a way of sucking me in this semester. I got lost in trying to get involved in as many things as I possibly could to "better prepare myself". As I tried to figure out who I was again, I was constantly focused on myself. 

I'm starting to realize that I will NEVER figure out "Who I am" by focusing on bettering myself. I'm not really sure if I would call losing yourself an Identity Crisis, but rather a constant battle between the Flesh and the Spirit. My identity can only be found in Christ, and the only way to see that is to completely abandon myself to him. It is very clear to me now why looking for myself in the world led me in an opposite direction to where I really wanted to go. I'm not sure if I will ever really understand who i am, but I know that if I continue to pursue Christ, I will belong to a loving God that DOES know who I am.

"Identity does not grow out of action until it has taken root in belonging." Chasing Fireflies by Charles Martin

"It's true, Lord that you are always thinking of us. It's true from the beginning of time, before we existed, Even before the world existed, You have been dreaming of me, Thinking of me, Loving me. Not assembly line, but unique, The first one so made, and the last, Indispensable to humanity. It's true that you have an eternal plan for me alone, A wonderful plan that you have always cherished in you heart, As a father thinks over the smallest details in the life of his little one still unborn. It's true that, always bending over me, you guide me to bring your plan about, light on my path and strength of my soul. It's true that you are saddened when I stray or run away, but that you hasten to pick me up if I stumble or fall. Lord, you make bald heads, but above all beautiful lives, You, the divine Attentive One, the divine Patient One, the divine Present One, See that at no time I forget your presence. I don't ask you to bless what I have decided to do, but Give me the grace to discover and to live what you have dreamed for me........." Prayers of Life by Michael Quoist

I'm falling for you

What can I do to hear your voice

Where can I go to seek your face

autumn trees remind me

losing it all, is gaining more

My God, My God

take my hand

My God, My God

let me dance again

your rhythm holds me strong, your phrases draw me close

your melody sinks in my heart

Lord I'm falling for you

how can I feel your presence

how can I know your love

cool breeze reminds me

you're romancing my heart

My God, My God

take my hand

My God, My God

let me dance again

your rhythm holds me strong, your phrases draw me close

your melody sinks in my heart

Lord I'm falling for you

what should I say to please you

how'd I deserve your grace

your son reminds me

how much you delight in me

My God, My God

take my hand

My God, my God

let me dance again

your rhythm holds me strong, your phrases draw me close

your melody sinks in my heart

Lord I'm falling for you

          

Not about me

I came home tonight to an empty house. Another night where my three wonderful roommates are out doing Young Life stuff... telling kids about Jesus. These are the nights pity and defeat hit my mind. What am I doing with my life? How am I serving God? Why am I sitting here worrying about relationships, the way  I look, or how much I really fail? Brokenness instantly swarms my heart as I become totally consumed with myself. But tonight I was convicted. 

Jessie came home to tell me her Urban Young Life girl from the neighborhood is getting taken away from her abusive family. As I watch Jessie's heart break for this young girl, and the other girls in her same situation... I realize that this really isn't about me. I felt instantly selfish. Here I am worrying about how I am not desired, or whatever... and this brokenness is taking place around me. 

Mollie and Andrea come in and we all pray for Sissy and her family. Then they share about their campaigners experience tonight: the Cross talk. They tell us how they desired so much to share with these girls that they can claim God's love. That they are free because of the cross. I look at my three roommates and am overwhelmed with conviction.  I am so blessed to have these girls in my life... reminding me that this life is not about me... it's about making Jesus known. 

I read something the other day about Autumn trees. How freeing it must be to truly lose everything and still stand firm, trusting in Gods power. Will I ever truly understand this? That nothing belongs to me... That I must truly lose it all in order to gain Christ. I love fall. I pray that this season would be a season of change for me. A time that I can learn how to truly let go and stand firm in Christ. 

"Cause this was never a story about me..."

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ- yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead."

--Philippians 3:7-11

picking up and pressing on

For the past couple days I have been trying to figure out exactly what was wrong with me; I haven't felt like this before in a really long time. I can't sleep, I can hardly eat, and I'm just... not myself? I spent a little time this afternoon reading through some old prayers from Saranac a month or so ago and realized something. Everything that has happened this summer has been an answer to my prayers. 

  6.21.09 "Hold on to me, Lord. Keep stretching me and breaking me so I can know you and love you deeper"

Why I have I been so upset about these last couple days of summer? Why am I so scared about not knowing what is ahead of me? This is exactly what I asked for: nothing of the old life, just perfect, simple trust in God. I prayed for God to break me and challenge me. 

"Therefore, we should rejoice in our difficulties, bearing them as long as the Lord wills, because only through such trials will our faith become purified, more precious than gold" (1peter1:7;4:19)  God is breaking me down and teaching me how to deny myself before him to make my faith in him stronger. "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Fo our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (1cor.4:16-18). I press on towards what is ahead of me. What I can't see. But I KNOW if I continue to run to Jesus with all of my heart, his unfailing love will build me up to the woman I need to me.

"But he said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong."--(2cor.12:9-10)

When I really stop and think, I realize I haven't been running to Jesus through this. I have been..walking? jogging even maybe? I keep walking, stop and think about how scary things are going to be, and don't know where else to go. But I don't want to do that...I want to run and run and fix my eyes on what is unseen. I want to rest in the perfect love and perfect power that comes from Christ.. especially during a time when my body and my flesh are so weak.

For now.

hearts are broken walls fall down

all the walls come crashing down

pillars of strength now, piles of rubble

and tears we try to make sense of this puzzle

seasons will change and colors will fade

these notes will be heard no more.

and one day the pain will cease to remain

cause this was never a story about me

hearts are hurting, faith is shifting

but our souls don't rest on sand

a picture of you now reminds of us glory

cause this was never a story about me

for now we cry wiping the tears from our eyes

and we wait for you, we wait for you

you are making all things new

for now we cry, wiping the tears from our eyes

and we wait for you, we wait for you

you are making all things new.

you are making all things new

Uncertainty is scary, but also exciting.

It is two in the morning and I am wide awake. I have a million things floating through my head and decided maybe blogging would help empty my thoughts so I can find a few hours of rest. I lie in my bed tonight so completely overwhelmed by the love of God and his beautiful, beautiful faithfulness. I also lie in my bed right now completely scared about what the future holds for me. I'm scared because for the first time in awhile, I really have no idea what will happen in my life after college, or even next year. I'm not really used to the uncertainty... 

But the thing that is keeping me up right now is the excitement that I get to start over. I get to have perfect, simple, trust in God.. which is what I wanted, what I prayed for, and why God is so faithful to me. As this next year starts, I want to see what it looks like not not live for myself. With this place of uncertainty, I figure that this could be a perfect opportunity for God to show me how to live for him.. humbling myself under his mighty hand.

I have been thinking a lot about what it looks like to truly be single. And you know what? It can be so scary sometimes and it only feeds to the uncertainty of my future. Am I called to singleness for the rest of my life?? I don't really know. But I pray that if God puts that man in my life... that it would catch me completely off guard. I pray that I don't see it coming because I am so consumed, fulfilled, and content with the love of Christ.

So basically... here I am. I have never felt so small before the Lord. With every bit of doubt, every hint of fear, and every feeling of loneliness I run to Jesus.

Goodnight.

The love of Saranac Village

I have been back from Saranac Village for a little over a month now and the transition has not been easy. As I think about my community here at home, I feel very blessed. I know that God has put me with the people I am with for a reason and that being to glorify him. I learned so much at Saranac and I definitely came back with a completely different heart. But now that I am at home, I feel myself slipping into a place where I don't want to be...a place of lonliness and unhappiness. I have been praying and talking to God about this for awhile now and suddenly things clicked to me today. I know exactly why I feel the way I do. 

Let me tell you a little bit about Saranac. After hearing so much about the place before I got there, I didn't really think it was that beautiful whenever I first stepped onto the camp. But throughout the month it became so much more beautiful than I could ever imagine. Saranac is so hard to explain in words...but it is literally one of the most peaceful places I have ever been. 

I have never felt so alive in my life when I was at Saranac. God felt so real to me, so near. I learned so much about prayer, about patience, about faithfulness. But one of the things that has really stuck with me hard...the thing that makes it so difficult about being home...is how much I was loved there. I immediately felt at home and was able to act myself, not afraid of the approval of anybody. And for some reason... people seemed interested in getting to know me. But to be honest, it wasn't just me that got this special treatment... everybody was pursued and loved the way I was. I remember meeting Elizabeth, the girl I was going to be doing crafts with for the month. As I asked her if she was excited about doing crafts, she looked at me and said "yes, but I'm more excited about working with you...everyone thinks you're amazing!". How do you respond to that?  

I really love the girls I live with, and the community around me here in Raleigh. But I have never felt so encouraged and loved the way I did at Saranac. After a lot of thinking, I realized that it is not because the people here don't love me, it's because of how present God was in everybody during summerstaff. Every person on summerstaff was pursuing the Lord and because of that, their love for God overflowed onto everyone around them. God made them capable of loving in a way that everybody craves and desires. So after being loved and loving the way I experienced at camp for a month...I can't help but become lonely and hurt by being in Raleigh. I miss the way people made me feel, I miss the way people encouraged one another daily, and I just miss the peaceful beauty of Saranac Village.

So I don't really know where I'm going with this blog, but I am realizing that true joy really comes from first spending time with Jesus, and second...loving other people, serving other people, and being loved by people only through the love of Christ. 

Beauty but no fulfillment

So I have just spent the past week in California with my family. We started off in Cambria and ended up in LA and it has been quite the trip. Cambria is a small little retirement town with not much going on, but was one of the prettiest places I have ever been. LA is such the opposite. So much going on with so many people (rich people I must add). I would say I have enjoyed myself this past week- Running along the cliffs of Cambria and the strands of LA, visiting a wine vineyard... But one thing has really been bothering me- I haven't made time for a quiet time, a time to sit down and really dig in the word. 

LA (and even Cambria and most of California) is so so so beautiful and if you have the money, it is paradise and "easy livin". The houses are unbelievable... and the people seem to be living in a dream world-- bike rides along the beach, sun tanned skin, beautiful clothes. But I started thinking about life in california and looking back on life in Raleigh, my roommates and my friends back at home who are growing daily with the Lord. Their lives are changing drastically everyday and I'm almost "stuck" in time here. That is what distractions seem to do to people--suck them into a life that will lead you nowhere. 

So even though California is so beautiful and the people are so interesting, without time with the Lord, and without that growth, there is absolutely no fulfillment. It's all empty. Why would anybody want this life? I look back at my friends in Raleigh with envy. I want to be back home growing with them, serving the Lord with them, loving with them. 

My prayer is that my month in Saranac Village would NOT be this way. I don't want another place away from home to distract me. I want to take the LORD with me. I want to learn that discipline and that balance of beauty & fulfillment and as I keep learning over and over,

True Joy comes from serving OTHERS and ultimately serving the Lord

bound by chains, glimpse of freedom

your soul feels trapped.

trapped by your own selfish pride.

it's just been one of those weeks, ya know?

you have to be careful or it really will suck you in.

you see people who let go

and sometimes you really do wonder...wow it must be nice

feeling free to do whatever you want to do?

Then you look at those moments where you do let go, not even

realizing that it actually has happened,

and you don't feel free at all---you feel trapped. Trapped and bound by chains.

you go and you go & the moment you are alone,

those are the moments where your mind won't shut up. 

your mind tells you you aren't really good enough for anything or anyone.

and all you want to do is sleep. sleep and waste life away...

OR eat, or shop, or flirt, or any desperate attempt to make your

life seem somewhat worthy.

you know what it amounts up to?

chains, nothing but chains.

other people's lives seem nicer and other people just seem prettier

and more appealing. So you wrap yourself in their lives and hope

yours will somehow transform into theirs. your heart aches for that kind

of attention, that kind of glamour.

all chains.

Then you think back at that moment you weren't in chains,

the moment you did actually feel free.

And it was not when you were doing what you "wanted to do".

You look at him again and you reach out your hands. 

You fall on your feet, on your knees, on your hands, and you beg for mercy.

He grabs your hand, pulls the chains off of you, and tells you not only that you are free, but that you are worthy, you are wanted, you are loved, and you are beautiful

That is my glimpse of freedom I will hold onto

Spring: The old has gone, the new has come!

"Spring has come and joyfully the birds welcome it with song
The streams, blown by the breeze, flow murmuring along.
Now the sky darkens. Thunder speaks and lightening flashes.
As quiet returns, the birds renew their songs."

         --Poem written for the Spring Movement of the Vivaldi FOUR SEASONS concerto

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; The old has gone, the new as come!"

And they were calling to one another: 
       "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; 
       the whole earth is full of his glory."

--Isaiah 6:3

I'm so humbled here in Salt Lake City, Utah. The mountains that surround me make me feel so small & fragile. They all silently scream out God's praise & remind me that I was created to sit in his kingdom & in his presence. I heard something in church on Sunday (Katie's church) that I really liked. In order to say that something is greatER or greatEST in the hebrew language, they would repeat the word. For example, in order to say "he is greater" they would say "he is great great". Isaiah 6 is the only place in the bible that has a word repeated three times: holy, holy, holy. What Isaiah saw in his vision was God's presence and he soon realized that God is the HOLIEST of ALL that is HOLY. Isaiah could not describe God's face but instead described everything around him...his robe, the angelic animals, etc. I think that is what the mountains here are doing. They are describing God's beauty and his almighty power. He is SO holy and that holiness makes me feel "ruined", as Isaiah describes later in this passage. I think it is so important for us to not only Fear God, but to humble ourselves to his Holiness and his Almighty Power. I want to serve God more just by taking one look at these mountains. I feel broken, helpless, and completely small and insignificant. But I think these feelings are so important in order for one to realize how HUGE God is and how little control we all really have. Why do I try and run my life on my own? Just LOOK at how HUGE and HOLY God is! 

Lord, you are beautiful. you are holy. you are powerful and so much bigger than I can ever imagine. Thank you for showing me how unholy and broken I am by showing me a glimpse of your creation. I am beyond blessed to be in this place. Teach me how to live my life only to glorify you and lift your name up. Remind me that you are not something that is just added to my life in order to make it better, but you are what keeps me breathing and keeps my heart beating. You are so much bigger than my weak attempts to control my life. I pray that I can continue to learn how to die to myself so I may be used to further your Kingdom. Create in me a new heart, oh Lord, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. I love you.

Amen

The man that hath no music in himself,

Nor is not mov’d with concord of sweet sounds,

Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils;

The motions of his spirit are dull as night,

And his affections dark as Erebus:

                                                  Let no such man be trusted, Mark the music

                                                                        

--William Shakespeare The Merchant of Venice (Act V, Scene 1) 

Disappear

take me to that place,

that place where nobody can find me.

nobody can interrupt me, and nobody can judge me.

i want to disappear

sing me that song,

that song that soothes my soul.

that grabs my heart and cuts me deep.

Can I disappear?

hold still of time

capture it and don't let it slip away.

notes always go beyond minutes

let me disappear

play me a melody,

burn the phrases into my mind, my soul, my heart..

You are here.

Disappear with me for awhile