Mary's Prayer

God. O infant-God. Heaven's fairest child. Conceived by the union of divine grace with our disgrace. Sleep well. Sleep well. Bask in the coolness of this night bright with diamonds. Sleep well, for the heat of anger simmers nearby. Enjoy the silence of the crib, for the noise of confusion rumbles in your future. Savor the sweet safety of my arms, for a day is soon coming when I cannot protect you.

Rest well, tiny hands. For though you belong to a king, you will touch no satin, own no gold. You will grasp no pen, guide no brush. No, your tiny hands are reserved for works more precious:

to touch a lepers open wound,

to wipe a widow's weary tear,

to claw the ground of Gethsemane

Your hands, so tiny, so tender, so white-clutched tonight in an infant's fist. They aren't destined to hold a scepter nor wave from a palace balcony. They are reserved instead for a Roman spike that will staple them to a Roman cross.

Sleep deeply, tiny eyes. Sleep while you can. For soon the blurriness will clear and you will see the mess we have made of your world.

You will see our nakedness, for we cannot hide.

You will see our selfishness, for we cannot give.

You will see our pain, for we cannot heal.

O eyes that will see hell's darkest pit and witness her ugly prince...sleep, please sleep; sleep while you can.

Lay still, tiny mouth. Lay still mouth from which eternity will speak. Tiny tongue that will soon summon the dead.

that will define grace,

that will silence our foolishness.

Rosebud lips=upon which ride a starborn kiss of forgiveness to those who believe you, and of death to those who deny you-lay still.

And tiny feet cupped in the palm of my hand, rest. For many difficult steps lie ahead of you.

Do you taste the dust of the trails you will travel?

Do you feel the cold sea water upon which you will walk?

Do you wrench at the invasion of the nail you will bear?

Do you fear the steep descent down the spiral staircase into Satan's domain?

Rest, tiny feet. Rest today so that tomorrow you might walk with power. Rest. For millions will follow in your steps.

And little heart...holy...pumping the blood of life through the universe: How many times will we break you?

You'll be torn by the thorns of our accusations.

You'll be ravaged by the cancer of our sin.

You'll be crushed under the weight of your own sorrow.

And you'll be pierced by the spear of our rejection.

yet in that piercing, in that ultimate ripping of muscle and membrane, in that final rush of blood and water, you will find rest. Your hands will be freed, your eyes will see justice, your lips will smile, and your feet will carry you home.

And there you'll rest again--this time in the embrace of your Father.

--- God Came Near by Max Lucado

First time strangers, Second time friends

The first time we met,

we seemed to get along.

I didn't think we'd be that close

but boy was I wrong.

I'm addicted to your kindness

there's so much that you do

its a friendship through Christ

so encouraging and new.

And now that your here

in my life and in my world,

I can't imagine it at all,

without such a wonderful girl.

So I want you to know

as you've got a hand to lend,

the offer goes both ways

because I love you: my sister in christ 

and my best friend.

Falling in Love

There was a time, probably around the age of 13, when love seemed like an abstract thing that was so far out of reach. I remember thinking there was absolutely no way I could ever fall in love. I longed for somebody to make me happy, somebody to tell me I was beautiful, and somebody that loved every single thing about me. When I didn't meet anybody that could meet those requirements, I figured love did not exist. 

The weird thing about love is that it is always changing. Well, not really changing...but growing. As I grew older and started dating, each guy seemed better than the last (well, sometimes). I remember thinking I was so in love and that life could not go on without that person. BOY was I wrong. I have realized in my first semester of college, that the only kind of love that never fails, and always fulfills me in every way, is the love of the Lord. I really and truly believe that there is no way I can genuinely fall in love unless I have fallen in love with God first. Although I feel I haven't quite reached that point 100%, I know that my love is growing. I am so excited for the day I meet my husband. The day I realize that God picked out this wonderful guy who is crazy about me. Not just crazy about me, but crazy about the Lord. In fact, I will know it's my husband because he will be attracted to Christ's love that I hope to show in everything I do. 

Even though some of my past relationships have been rough, complicated, and somewhat dependent, I know my next relationship will be amazing. I know this because I have learned so much. I have learned that my life and my relationships with people are completely pointless without God's love. 

So to my heavenly Father, do not stop pursuing me...for I am falling completely and utterly in love with you. I am looking forward to days to come because I know that this love will never fail, but only grow. And to my future husband, I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to embrace the love the Lord has given you to give to me. 

Millie, my baby

I remember when I was little, there was only one thing that I truly loved: dogs. I remember dragging my parents to the nearby pound and after seeing the puppies, my heart would always sink. My scrap book is filled with letters I wrote to my parents with the sentence "I want that dog" at least a million times. Sometimes my parents would even give in and I was able to get a puppy dog for a short time...up until my mom realized we weren't ready to take care of a puppy. However, the millennium started off great when my dad drove the whole family to pick out a golden retriever puppy. We picked out the smallest and lightest of the batch and named her millie (short for millennium...how creative i know). This dog was absolutely perfect. She never had an accident in the house...never bothered anybody. I remember mom putting her in the tiny kennel the first night we got her, just incase she had to use the bathroom. Immediately I snuck out in the middle of the night, took her out, and brought her to bed with me. I was in love. Still am! Sometimes people lose their love once dogs get older, but mine grew. Millie didn't get old and boring, she got cuter and cuter. Such a people dog. My favorite thing about her is when she comes and lays her head on your lap, just letting you know how much she loves you back! I know it's stupid....but I always had this idea that angels could take the form of animals: dogs especially! I think they come and go into peoples lives..making their life just a little bit brighter and a little bit more beautiful. Thinking about the chance of losing my baby, scares me to death. I've never actually been more attached to a pet before. But when I think about how happy she's made me, I think maybe her spirit must move on to make somebody else as happy.

Music Words

People always talk about how writing always makes them feel better. That their anger or frustration turns instantly into beautiful words that touch people's hearts. I never quite understood that and trying to write always just made me even more frustrated. 

Being a musician is so much more appealing than writing to me. Wanna know why? because you don't actually have to come up with words that mold into the mood you're in. you just have to play, listen, or feel the notes. Sound is far too complicated for words...almost like it's apart of a different world. A world that only some people are allowed to enter. But once you enter that world, you definitely don't need words... Just noise, rhythm, tones, and silence. Isn't that beautiful? I love being reminded of how big things are around me. That God created this world of music that doesn't need words at all...just SOUND. I have this theory that famous musicians and prodigies (like motzart and my music theory teacher Paul Murphy) are so much apart of this world, that they seem crazy. Are they really crazy? or are they just so close to something that is not really apart of the world we are living in right now. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this passage...and my writing is not perfect. But who needs words when you've got music?