picking up and pressing on

For the past couple days I have been trying to figure out exactly what was wrong with me; I haven't felt like this before in a really long time. I can't sleep, I can hardly eat, and I'm just... not myself? I spent a little time this afternoon reading through some old prayers from Saranac a month or so ago and realized something. Everything that has happened this summer has been an answer to my prayers. 

  6.21.09 "Hold on to me, Lord. Keep stretching me and breaking me so I can know you and love you deeper"

Why I have I been so upset about these last couple days of summer? Why am I so scared about not knowing what is ahead of me? This is exactly what I asked for: nothing of the old life, just perfect, simple trust in God. I prayed for God to break me and challenge me. 

"Therefore, we should rejoice in our difficulties, bearing them as long as the Lord wills, because only through such trials will our faith become purified, more precious than gold" (1peter1:7;4:19)  God is breaking me down and teaching me how to deny myself before him to make my faith in him stronger. "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Fo our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (1cor.4:16-18). I press on towards what is ahead of me. What I can't see. But I KNOW if I continue to run to Jesus with all of my heart, his unfailing love will build me up to the woman I need to me.

"But he said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong."--(2cor.12:9-10)

When I really stop and think, I realize I haven't been running to Jesus through this. I have been..walking? jogging even maybe? I keep walking, stop and think about how scary things are going to be, and don't know where else to go. But I don't want to do that...I want to run and run and fix my eyes on what is unseen. I want to rest in the perfect love and perfect power that comes from Christ.. especially during a time when my body and my flesh are so weak.

For now.

hearts are broken walls fall down

all the walls come crashing down

pillars of strength now, piles of rubble

and tears we try to make sense of this puzzle

seasons will change and colors will fade

these notes will be heard no more.

and one day the pain will cease to remain

cause this was never a story about me

hearts are hurting, faith is shifting

but our souls don't rest on sand

a picture of you now reminds of us glory

cause this was never a story about me

for now we cry wiping the tears from our eyes

and we wait for you, we wait for you

you are making all things new

for now we cry, wiping the tears from our eyes

and we wait for you, we wait for you

you are making all things new.

you are making all things new

Uncertainty is scary, but also exciting.

It is two in the morning and I am wide awake. I have a million things floating through my head and decided maybe blogging would help empty my thoughts so I can find a few hours of rest. I lie in my bed tonight so completely overwhelmed by the love of God and his beautiful, beautiful faithfulness. I also lie in my bed right now completely scared about what the future holds for me. I'm scared because for the first time in awhile, I really have no idea what will happen in my life after college, or even next year. I'm not really used to the uncertainty... 

But the thing that is keeping me up right now is the excitement that I get to start over. I get to have perfect, simple, trust in God.. which is what I wanted, what I prayed for, and why God is so faithful to me. As this next year starts, I want to see what it looks like not not live for myself. With this place of uncertainty, I figure that this could be a perfect opportunity for God to show me how to live for him.. humbling myself under his mighty hand.

I have been thinking a lot about what it looks like to truly be single. And you know what? It can be so scary sometimes and it only feeds to the uncertainty of my future. Am I called to singleness for the rest of my life?? I don't really know. But I pray that if God puts that man in my life... that it would catch me completely off guard. I pray that I don't see it coming because I am so consumed, fulfilled, and content with the love of Christ.

So basically... here I am. I have never felt so small before the Lord. With every bit of doubt, every hint of fear, and every feeling of loneliness I run to Jesus.

Goodnight.