This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow 

--HILLSONG UNITED

God has been so good to me. Why have I allowed all of this to consume my heart? I have a reason to worship. God has been good to me. He has showed me things these past few weeks that I have never seen before in my life. I don't really understand sometimes how I get so scared. I don't need a guy to make me happy and I definitely don't need one to complete my heart. How do I get sucked in? It just seems so pointless. Why are we all so scared to really let go and worship with all our hearts? It's almost like we are scared of what the other might think. THAT is not true fellowship. I want this new year to be something different. I'm in the middle of a transformation and I want my heart to truly be changed. 

God, you are so beautiful. I'm sorry I give up and give in so many times. True love isn't found in a passionate kiss or complex fantasy of marriage and a family with the man you have always dreamed of. True love is the fact that you became human on this earth and died for ME. THAT is true love. I wanna be different, God. Show me how to be different.

You are beautiful, God. 

My mind is a box.

Lately I've felt like this song explains my life so I'm just gonna post the words since I basically suck at writing...

my attention is cashed so don't 
talk to me anymore be the 
subject terrifying or 
important or pure 
my cigarettes are spent so don't 
expect productivity be the 
matter just or crucial or 
personal or reactive 
my mind is a box and you put things in and you 
take things out and it's empty 
my mind is a box and you gut it then and you 
flatten it and you leave me blank and the 
world is big my body's small my 
body's short the world is tall 

so fill me up with chemicals or 
other people's words 
i shout it from this pretty hole in 
modes and fifths and thirds 
my mind is a box 
my mind is a lie 
my mind 

my mind is a line running down my spine 
like a vine of green and psychedelic 
iridescent rainbows 
my body is built like a function of mechanics 
like a robot when he gives himself his 
own petty instructions 
my mind is a box and you put things in and you 
take things out and it's empty 
my mind is a box and you gut it then and you 
flatten it and you leave me blank and the 
world is big my body's small my 
body's short the world is tall 

so fill me up with chemicals or 
other people's words 
i shout it from this pretty hole in 
modes and fifths and thirds 
i steep up an infusion there and 
pour it on these keys 
i'm influenced so easily so 
influence me please 
just 
fill me up with chemicals or 
other people's words 
i shout it from this pretty hole in 
modes and fifths and thirds 
i steep up an infusion there and 
pour it on these keys 
i'm influenced so easily so 
influence me please 
i'm influenced so easily so 
influence me please 

Fresh Beginnings

Let me start off by saying God is good. Not good, but great, amazing, and absolutely wonderful. I am so thankful to be given the Holy Spirit that is in my heart; that I will be reminded of how much I need the Lord to truly fulfill me. I believe that it really is the Holy Spirit that puts the desire and the passion to fall in love with God. The beauty of a breakdown is the fact that it brings you so much closer to something you were trying to reach in the first place. You never understand how terrible it is to feel empty until you've experienced the complete fulfillment of God's love. 

I break very easily. But the one thing about God that completely blows my mind is his grace. His grace that is able to transform you and make you Holy in HIS eyes. I'm ready to embrace his grace and grow in our relationship. I have realized tonight that the thing that is keeping me from really growing, is my selfishness and my lack of stepping out of my comfort zone. God wants to show us things through opportunities that may not exactly be comfortable, and that is the hard thing about being a Christian. Along with going the extra mile, there is the sacrifice of things that you think you love because it is pulling you away from God.

For this new semester, I'm ready to be brave. I'm ready to go that extra uncomfortable step and give up things in order to get closer to a Father that loves me way more than any of the THINGS in my life that I think are making me happy. I wanna reach out to new people and get deeper with those I already know. I'm ready to start running, and if I fall...I know that God is there to catch me. 

"The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound and
Until now it's where I've been

'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was 
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall...

Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was 
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I'm gone

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
I wanna be brave
The way it always was 
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave"

--Nicole Nordeman

Never Quite Good Enough

Two very similar people in looks, but two completely different hearts. This causes us to crash in understanding and feeling. You are the reason I became a Christian and you have always been my biggest inspiration. But as I am growing as a Christian and continuing to find out more about myself, I'm starting to feel like I can't quite reach your standards. As weird as it sounds, I'm hurt by your heart. I'm hurt that my heart may not be in the same place as yours and it makes you mad. I feel like you see me as this person who doesn't understand what it means to really love God. I feel like when you look at me, you see me as a fake. A fake who is lost as a person. Well I'm not lost. I'm not Fake. and I'm CERTAINLY completely in love with the Lord. So please don't judge me, and don't whisper about me. And when I try and bring things up that are really important to me, DON'T bring me down. I will ALWAYS be there to support you and I would only hope for the same in return. I love you.....but I'm hurt. I'm hurt that I will never really be good enough in your eyes.

Holy

In this moment I feel

Lord you want to reveal

More of you and more of your perfect plan

But Lord you are so big

And my mind is so small

Thank you for your patience as I try to understand

All of your ways and all of your grace

You offer me more joy and hope

Than I can comprehend

I'm down on my face

You've put me in my place

Don't let this moment fade

Lord you are holy, Lord you are holy

I can hear your voice 

Calling out louder as I hush my own

Be still my child and know that I am God

I'm down on my face 

You've put me in my place

Keep me here I pray

--shelly moore band

Misunderstanding

One of the best things about going to college was being able to start a new life by meeting new friends and being able to be the person you always wanted to be. For the first time ever, I feel like I've met a core group of friends that really care about me and what's going on in my life. I have girlfriends who are holding me accountable for things to make sure I'm living my life for Christ. It's great! But as I've been home for the holidays, things have really hit me hard. The people I felt like were close friends throughout high-school seemed so distant. I realized that I never even made an effort to know what's going on in their lives. Tonight I went to my old younglife leader's house and hung out with people I used to surround myself with 24/7 senior year. Things seemed so different. As we sat in a circle and went around to discuss what was going on in everybody's life, a million thoughts went through my head. I realized that I am so completely frustrated with myself. Being around strong Christian's who know the Lord can be very encouraging, but also very thought-provoking. I left the house early and as I drove home by myself, I couldn't help but cry. I'm so discouraged as a Christian tonight. I feel like I've let a lot of people down. And I feel like so many people look down on me as a Christian because they don't necessarily see God showing through me. I feel selfish, lazy, and misunderstood. Almost as if nobody truly understands what's going on in my life. I love God, I honestly do. And whenever I'm feeling stable in my faith, something or someone puts me down and makes me feel like I'm doing doing something right. 

I know that God created me with a huge desire to get married and be with a great Christian guy. And it's hard for other people to understand that who may not have the same desire. And because they don't have that same desire, it always seems to make me feel as if I'm not doing something right. Who knows...maybe I'm not. I just don't know...I'm so frustrated.

If I were to pick one thing to change about myself for the new year, it would be to genuinely love people and be a big part of their life. I feel as if I will never have an opportunity to change somebody's life. My sister is so great. She loves God and when she wants to get to know somebody, she does it 100%. I love that about her and I wish it was something I could do. No wonder nobody understands what's going on in my life....I don't know what's going on in theirs. I realized tonight that I really don't know much about my friends as I thought I did. What's wrong with me? Have I really been too caught up in my own life? I just wish someday I could really make a difference in somebody's life instead of always being the weaker one.

I just feel like I've failed. I know that I'm not the complete screw up I might think I am....but tonight just really hit me hard and has definitely opened my mind to so many things. Maybe God is trying to show me something...he knows that there is so much I need to work on.