As I get older and more concerned with my place in the world, I seem to often ask myself the same question: "Who Am I?". I search in the world only to try and look for what I want to look like, what job I want, how I want my family to be, how I want other people to see me... I have decided that the more I search, the more lost I become. This summer at Saranac, I felt like God taught me a very important lesson about my self-worth. I learned that it doesn't matter how imperfect I am because I am loved by an absolute PERFECT God. I learned that I didn't need to find my self-worth in boys, dating, all that jazz... But as I continued with my education at Meredith College as a music major, my life seemed to become so crazy that I couldn't even grasp it anymore. As much as I love Meredith College, I feel there is a push to become the very best, to stand out in the world, to always have a foot in the door. Although this is a great mindset in the professional world, it had a way of sucking me in this semester. I got lost in trying to get involved in as many things as I possibly could to "better prepare myself". As I tried to figure out who I was again, I was constantly focused on myself.
I'm starting to realize that I will NEVER figure out "Who I am" by focusing on bettering myself. I'm not really sure if I would call losing yourself an Identity Crisis, but rather a constant battle between the Flesh and the Spirit. My identity can only be found in Christ, and the only way to see that is to completely abandon myself to him. It is very clear to me now why looking for myself in the world led me in an opposite direction to where I really wanted to go. I'm not sure if I will ever really understand who i am, but I know that if I continue to pursue Christ, I will belong to a loving God that DOES know who I am.
"Identity does not grow out of action until it has taken root in belonging." Chasing Fireflies by Charles Martin
"It's true, Lord that you are always thinking of us. It's true from the beginning of time, before we existed, Even before the world existed, You have been dreaming of me, Thinking of me, Loving me. Not assembly line, but unique, The first one so made, and the last, Indispensable to humanity. It's true that you have an eternal plan for me alone, A wonderful plan that you have always cherished in you heart, As a father thinks over the smallest details in the life of his little one still unborn. It's true that, always bending over me, you guide me to bring your plan about, light on my path and strength of my soul. It's true that you are saddened when I stray or run away, but that you hasten to pick me up if I stumble or fall. Lord, you make bald heads, but above all beautiful lives, You, the divine Attentive One, the divine Patient One, the divine Present One, See that at no time I forget your presence. I don't ask you to bless what I have decided to do, but Give me the grace to discover and to live what you have dreamed for me........." Prayers of Life by Michael Quoist
