I hate presents

Never thought I'd say this, but I hate presents. I hate presents because of what they have created: a shallow Christmas. A Christmas that depends only on what you get. A Christmas that is never enough. A Christmas that makes materialistic things more important that spending time together.

I would give up every single gift I was given today if my family could just get along for once. Not just getting along, but desiring time spent together. 

God showed me a lot of filth in my heart today. For as long as I can remember, I desire to get married and start a new family... a new, God fearing, Gospel-Centered family. And today, for the first time, God showed me how much of that is rooted in selfishness and brokenness. You see, there is an interesting thing about my personality... When I get frustrated, I tend to give up and move on. The broken thing about me today is that I think I have subconciously given up on my family. But you know what? It isn't just my family that is broken, it is me. 

Before I can expect my family to change, I need to hope and desperately pray that God will change ME. I get upset that Christmas isn't about spending time. I get upset that my family can't spend a freaking hour together without fighting. and you know what? I don't try to change it, because I'm the broken one. I'm the selfish one.

Lord, Change my heart. For I am SO wrong. I can't possibly do any of this on my own. 

The Ongoing Identity Crisis

As I get older and more concerned with my place in the world, I seem to often ask myself the same question: "Who Am I?". I search in the world only to try and look for what I want to look like, what job I want, how I want my family to be, how I want other people to see me... I have decided that the more I search, the more lost I become. 

This summer at Saranac, I felt like God taught me a very important lesson about my self-worth. I learned that it doesn't matter how imperfect I am because I am loved by an absolute PERFECT God. I learned that I didn't need to find my self-worth in boys, dating, all that jazz... But as I continued with my education at Meredith College as a music major, my life seemed to become so crazy that I couldn't even grasp it anymore. As much as I love Meredith College, I feel there is a push to become the very best, to stand out in the world, to always have a foot in the door. Although this is a great mindset in the professional world, it had a way of sucking me in this semester. I got lost in trying to get involved in as many things as I possibly could to "better prepare myself". As I tried to figure out who I was again, I was constantly focused on myself. 

I'm starting to realize that I will NEVER figure out "Who I am" by focusing on bettering myself. I'm not really sure if I would call losing yourself an Identity Crisis, but rather a constant battle between the Flesh and the Spirit. My identity can only be found in Christ, and the only way to see that is to completely abandon myself to him. It is very clear to me now why looking for myself in the world led me in an opposite direction to where I really wanted to go. I'm not sure if I will ever really understand who i am, but I know that if I continue to pursue Christ, I will belong to a loving God that DOES know who I am.

"Identity does not grow out of action until it has taken root in belonging." Chasing Fireflies by Charles Martin

"It's true, Lord that you are always thinking of us. It's true from the beginning of time, before we existed, Even before the world existed, You have been dreaming of me, Thinking of me, Loving me. Not assembly line, but unique, The first one so made, and the last, Indispensable to humanity. It's true that you have an eternal plan for me alone, A wonderful plan that you have always cherished in you heart, As a father thinks over the smallest details in the life of his little one still unborn. It's true that, always bending over me, you guide me to bring your plan about, light on my path and strength of my soul. It's true that you are saddened when I stray or run away, but that you hasten to pick me up if I stumble or fall. Lord, you make bald heads, but above all beautiful lives, You, the divine Attentive One, the divine Patient One, the divine Present One, See that at no time I forget your presence. I don't ask you to bless what I have decided to do, but Give me the grace to discover and to live what you have dreamed for me........." Prayers of Life by Michael Quoist

I'm falling for you

What can I do to hear your voice

Where can I go to seek your face

autumn trees remind me

losing it all, is gaining more

My God, My God

take my hand

My God, My God

let me dance again

your rhythm holds me strong, your phrases draw me close

your melody sinks in my heart

Lord I'm falling for you

how can I feel your presence

how can I know your love

cool breeze reminds me

you're romancing my heart

My God, My God

take my hand

My God, My God

let me dance again

your rhythm holds me strong, your phrases draw me close

your melody sinks in my heart

Lord I'm falling for you

what should I say to please you

how'd I deserve your grace

your son reminds me

how much you delight in me

My God, My God

take my hand

My God, my God

let me dance again

your rhythm holds me strong, your phrases draw me close

your melody sinks in my heart

Lord I'm falling for you

          

Not about me

I came home tonight to an empty house. Another night where my three wonderful roommates are out doing Young Life stuff... telling kids about Jesus. These are the nights pity and defeat hit my mind. What am I doing with my life? How am I serving God? Why am I sitting here worrying about relationships, the way  I look, or how much I really fail? Brokenness instantly swarms my heart as I become totally consumed with myself. But tonight I was convicted. 

Jessie came home to tell me her Urban Young Life girl from the neighborhood is getting taken away from her abusive family. As I watch Jessie's heart break for this young girl, and the other girls in her same situation... I realize that this really isn't about me. I felt instantly selfish. Here I am worrying about how I am not desired, or whatever... and this brokenness is taking place around me. 

Mollie and Andrea come in and we all pray for Sissy and her family. Then they share about their campaigners experience tonight: the Cross talk. They tell us how they desired so much to share with these girls that they can claim God's love. That they are free because of the cross. I look at my three roommates and am overwhelmed with conviction.  I am so blessed to have these girls in my life... reminding me that this life is not about me... it's about making Jesus known. 

I read something the other day about Autumn trees. How freeing it must be to truly lose everything and still stand firm, trusting in Gods power. Will I ever truly understand this? That nothing belongs to me... That I must truly lose it all in order to gain Christ. I love fall. I pray that this season would be a season of change for me. A time that I can learn how to truly let go and stand firm in Christ. 

"Cause this was never a story about me..."

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ- yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead."

--Philippians 3:7-11

picking up and pressing on

For the past couple days I have been trying to figure out exactly what was wrong with me; I haven't felt like this before in a really long time. I can't sleep, I can hardly eat, and I'm just... not myself? I spent a little time this afternoon reading through some old prayers from Saranac a month or so ago and realized something. Everything that has happened this summer has been an answer to my prayers. 

  6.21.09 "Hold on to me, Lord. Keep stretching me and breaking me so I can know you and love you deeper"

Why I have I been so upset about these last couple days of summer? Why am I so scared about not knowing what is ahead of me? This is exactly what I asked for: nothing of the old life, just perfect, simple trust in God. I prayed for God to break me and challenge me. 

"Therefore, we should rejoice in our difficulties, bearing them as long as the Lord wills, because only through such trials will our faith become purified, more precious than gold" (1peter1:7;4:19)  God is breaking me down and teaching me how to deny myself before him to make my faith in him stronger. "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Fo our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (1cor.4:16-18). I press on towards what is ahead of me. What I can't see. But I KNOW if I continue to run to Jesus with all of my heart, his unfailing love will build me up to the woman I need to me.

"But he said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong."--(2cor.12:9-10)

When I really stop and think, I realize I haven't been running to Jesus through this. I have been..walking? jogging even maybe? I keep walking, stop and think about how scary things are going to be, and don't know where else to go. But I don't want to do that...I want to run and run and fix my eyes on what is unseen. I want to rest in the perfect love and perfect power that comes from Christ.. especially during a time when my body and my flesh are so weak.

For now.

hearts are broken walls fall down

all the walls come crashing down

pillars of strength now, piles of rubble

and tears we try to make sense of this puzzle

seasons will change and colors will fade

these notes will be heard no more.

and one day the pain will cease to remain

cause this was never a story about me

hearts are hurting, faith is shifting

but our souls don't rest on sand

a picture of you now reminds of us glory

cause this was never a story about me

for now we cry wiping the tears from our eyes

and we wait for you, we wait for you

you are making all things new

for now we cry, wiping the tears from our eyes

and we wait for you, we wait for you

you are making all things new.

you are making all things new

Uncertainty is scary, but also exciting.

It is two in the morning and I am wide awake. I have a million things floating through my head and decided maybe blogging would help empty my thoughts so I can find a few hours of rest. I lie in my bed tonight so completely overwhelmed by the love of God and his beautiful, beautiful faithfulness. I also lie in my bed right now completely scared about what the future holds for me. I'm scared because for the first time in awhile, I really have no idea what will happen in my life after college, or even next year. I'm not really used to the uncertainty... 

But the thing that is keeping me up right now is the excitement that I get to start over. I get to have perfect, simple, trust in God.. which is what I wanted, what I prayed for, and why God is so faithful to me. As this next year starts, I want to see what it looks like not not live for myself. With this place of uncertainty, I figure that this could be a perfect opportunity for God to show me how to live for him.. humbling myself under his mighty hand.

I have been thinking a lot about what it looks like to truly be single. And you know what? It can be so scary sometimes and it only feeds to the uncertainty of my future. Am I called to singleness for the rest of my life?? I don't really know. But I pray that if God puts that man in my life... that it would catch me completely off guard. I pray that I don't see it coming because I am so consumed, fulfilled, and content with the love of Christ.

So basically... here I am. I have never felt so small before the Lord. With every bit of doubt, every hint of fear, and every feeling of loneliness I run to Jesus.

Goodnight.