Misunderstanding

One of the best things about going to college was being able to start a new life by meeting new friends and being able to be the person you always wanted to be. For the first time ever, I feel like I've met a core group of friends that really care about me and what's going on in my life. I have girlfriends who are holding me accountable for things to make sure I'm living my life for Christ. It's great! But as I've been home for the holidays, things have really hit me hard. The people I felt like were close friends throughout high-school seemed so distant. I realized that I never even made an effort to know what's going on in their lives. Tonight I went to my old younglife leader's house and hung out with people I used to surround myself with 24/7 senior year. Things seemed so different. As we sat in a circle and went around to discuss what was going on in everybody's life, a million thoughts went through my head. I realized that I am so completely frustrated with myself. Being around strong Christian's who know the Lord can be very encouraging, but also very thought-provoking. I left the house early and as I drove home by myself, I couldn't help but cry. I'm so discouraged as a Christian tonight. I feel like I've let a lot of people down. And I feel like so many people look down on me as a Christian because they don't necessarily see God showing through me. I feel selfish, lazy, and misunderstood. Almost as if nobody truly understands what's going on in my life. I love God, I honestly do. And whenever I'm feeling stable in my faith, something or someone puts me down and makes me feel like I'm doing doing something right. 

I know that God created me with a huge desire to get married and be with a great Christian guy. And it's hard for other people to understand that who may not have the same desire. And because they don't have that same desire, it always seems to make me feel as if I'm not doing something right. Who knows...maybe I'm not. I just don't know...I'm so frustrated.

If I were to pick one thing to change about myself for the new year, it would be to genuinely love people and be a big part of their life. I feel as if I will never have an opportunity to change somebody's life. My sister is so great. She loves God and when she wants to get to know somebody, she does it 100%. I love that about her and I wish it was something I could do. No wonder nobody understands what's going on in my life....I don't know what's going on in theirs. I realized tonight that I really don't know much about my friends as I thought I did. What's wrong with me? Have I really been too caught up in my own life? I just wish someday I could really make a difference in somebody's life instead of always being the weaker one.

I just feel like I've failed. I know that I'm not the complete screw up I might think I am....but tonight just really hit me hard and has definitely opened my mind to so many things. Maybe God is trying to show me something...he knows that there is so much I need to work on.