picking up and pressing on

For the past couple days I have been trying to figure out exactly what was wrong with me; I haven't felt like this before in a really long time. I can't sleep, I can hardly eat, and I'm just... not myself? I spent a little time this afternoon reading through some old prayers from Saranac a month or so ago and realized something. Everything that has happened this summer has been an answer to my prayers. 

  6.21.09 "Hold on to me, Lord. Keep stretching me and breaking me so I can know you and love you deeper"

Why I have I been so upset about these last couple days of summer? Why am I so scared about not knowing what is ahead of me? This is exactly what I asked for: nothing of the old life, just perfect, simple trust in God. I prayed for God to break me and challenge me. 

"Therefore, we should rejoice in our difficulties, bearing them as long as the Lord wills, because only through such trials will our faith become purified, more precious than gold" (1peter1:7;4:19)  God is breaking me down and teaching me how to deny myself before him to make my faith in him stronger. "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Fo our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (1cor.4:16-18). I press on towards what is ahead of me. What I can't see. But I KNOW if I continue to run to Jesus with all of my heart, his unfailing love will build me up to the woman I need to me.

"But he said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong."--(2cor.12:9-10)

When I really stop and think, I realize I haven't been running to Jesus through this. I have been..walking? jogging even maybe? I keep walking, stop and think about how scary things are going to be, and don't know where else to go. But I don't want to do that...I want to run and run and fix my eyes on what is unseen. I want to rest in the perfect love and perfect power that comes from Christ.. especially during a time when my body and my flesh are so weak.